Yesterday was my birthday. It was actually pretty good. Since my mom passed away in 1992, my birthday has always sucked, along with Thanksgiving (the day she died), Christmas and Mother's Day! I would start thinking about her and then the holiday would just start going wrong. In the past few years, I've been coming to terms with how I feel and what makes me feel that way and I think I've been doing a pretty good job of turning it around. I just talk myself out of it a few days before the big day. Well, it wasn't ever really that easy with my birthday.
I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like my mom did on my birthday. Even after I grew up and moved out, she would call me first thing on the morning of my birthday. I could always count on that and when she wasn't there to call me, it sort of put my day off on the wrong foot. Recently, I've been getting over that (I know it sounds ridiculous for a 38 year old woman - but I really miss my mom) and yesterday was a pretty decent day. My hubby works from home, so he's always in bed when I leave. Yesterday, he woke up long enough to tell me Happy Birthday. That was a good start.
Then, my friends at work had a food buffet for me (good for the tastebuds, not so good for the diet). I'm gonna have to work extra hard for the rest of the week, to continue my loss for this week. I'm up to 11 pounds in 3 weeks so far, so I'm pretty proud, but I don't want to mess it up because it's my bday! Anywhoo - I then went to my inlaws after work for beans and cornbread and fried potatoes - who can resist that? She had me stop by C racker B arrell on my way home to pick up my own bday present - at least I get what I want (Yankee Candles). My hubby baked me a cake and even brought me a small piece with a glass of skim milk (he never does that) and I asked him to take a walk with me and he did (we walked a little over a mile) All in all, it was a pretty great birthday - I feel very loved!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I HATE MEDICINE!!
I am mildly depressed. I need to take medicine. I've come to terms with that, but I just call it my mood enhancer! I always have said, I can't tell when I'm taking it (because it doesn't really affect me) but I can sure as hell tell when I don't - and so can everyone else around me.
I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel I don't need it anymore then suddenly I'm like "Shit, I better start my meds again before I black out on everyone in my family!" I often stop my Celexa and recently my doc put me on Prozac, but I haven't begun it yet and I've stopped with the Celexa and I was feeling pretty good. Then, my performance eval at work was coming up and I've had a couple of run-ins with my boss recently, so I was more than a little anxious about it, so I took two celexa on Tuesday and Wednesday. I got a raving review, my boss was more than thrilled with my performance this year and I was ecstatic!
Then last night I was at my daughter's baccalaureate and they were all in their caps & gowns and they were playing Pomp and Circumstance - it was very emotional...FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! All the parents were smiling and crying but NOT ME - I was just sitting there - happy go lucky! Like it was someone else's kid up there. You know, there's sometimes when you're crying a happy cry and it feels soooo good! But, I didn't feel it at all, not a thing - so I was a little disappointed that I didn't cry. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's why I stop the meds sometimes - because I don't FEEL my life! I know I take it so I don't feel my life, but I really want to FEEL my life, you know?
Ah well, what do ya do?
I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel I don't need it anymore then suddenly I'm like "Shit, I better start my meds again before I black out on everyone in my family!" I often stop my Celexa and recently my doc put me on Prozac, but I haven't begun it yet and I've stopped with the Celexa and I was feeling pretty good. Then, my performance eval at work was coming up and I've had a couple of run-ins with my boss recently, so I was more than a little anxious about it, so I took two celexa on Tuesday and Wednesday. I got a raving review, my boss was more than thrilled with my performance this year and I was ecstatic!
Then last night I was at my daughter's baccalaureate and they were all in their caps & gowns and they were playing Pomp and Circumstance - it was very emotional...FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! All the parents were smiling and crying but NOT ME - I was just sitting there - happy go lucky! Like it was someone else's kid up there. You know, there's sometimes when you're crying a happy cry and it feels soooo good! But, I didn't feel it at all, not a thing - so I was a little disappointed that I didn't cry. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's why I stop the meds sometimes - because I don't FEEL my life! I know I take it so I don't feel my life, but I really want to FEEL my life, you know?
Ah well, what do ya do?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Graduation Squared
I'm a crazy these days trying to organize and plan my work's annual graduation ceremony for our students and getting my daughter ready for her own high school graduation. Both of these very important events happen on the very same day! This Friday, I will be running around crazily trying to get everything accomplished. Our graduation here should be over with by 3pm and hers begins at 7pm and I'm 90 minutes from home, so I'm going to have to do a really good job of having things ready by tomorrow night. Tonight is the baccalaureate at her school. I've never been to one, so I don't really know what to expect, but I was told that many of the area preachers/priests, religious figures from our community come and hold a prayer service. We'll see.
Also, Heather turns 18 on Saturday - just one day after graduation. It's a very bittersweet time for me. I know I'm going to miss her so badly when she goes to college but I'm ready for her to start her own journey of life. Also, I don't want her to grow up and be independent, but I'm so excited for the opportunities she has before her. Very emotional time, indeed.
Also, Heather turns 18 on Saturday - just one day after graduation. It's a very bittersweet time for me. I know I'm going to miss her so badly when she goes to college but I'm ready for her to start her own journey of life. Also, I don't want her to grow up and be independent, but I'm so excited for the opportunities she has before her. Very emotional time, indeed.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I think I've become one of "those" parents
Sonya had a softball game the other night. It was misting and chilly and she had just come from the orthodontist and her teeth were hurting her. When the coach called to say the game was still on, I asked if they had enough players because Sonya didn't really feel up to it, but they didn't and would have had to forfeit if she didn't go, so off we went.
I stopped for Orajel for her mouth and by the time I got back to the field, her team had already batted and were in the outfield. These are 9 year olds playing fast-pitch softball (that means you have to wind your arm around in a circle and throw it really hard). The pitcher was not throwing very many strikes so every girl just went up there and stood with the bat and waited for 4 balls so she could walk. No one was even trying to swing. Well, the score got to be about 25 to 2 just by walking and I went over and asked the coach if she had any other players, because I could tell Sonya wasn't feeling well. She said one other one, but I'll switch them out when they come infield. Another few minutes went by and the score is now about 35 to 2 - I ask the umpire "Can we call this game? It's starting to rain harder?" He asked the coach from the other team if she wanted to continue the game and she said "yeah, we can play in this". I was pissed! That ignorant B****! Of course her girls were cold and miserable too, but it was more important to her to pound our team into the ground I guess. To top it all off, they were even stealing every base, every time our pitcher would throw a wild pitch (which was about every other ball). I waited a couple more minutes and finally I went over to the dugout and told our coach that she was going to have to call a time out and get Sonya out of there. She was sick, cold and miserable and this was ridiculous. I said I don't care if you forfeit - the score is 40 to 2 anyway and we only have one out. We'll never catch up and these girls are not having any fun! Another mother walked over and agreed with me. The umpire asked the coach of th other team if she wanted to call the game and she said "if they want to forfeit, there's nothing I can do about it" So I said - we forfeit - let's go! So all the girls ran off the field and Sonya and I left.
A woman (definitely not a lady) who was helping coach told our coach, "if you do this - I Will NEVER step foot on this field again. This is crap! What are we teaching our kids?" I said, Sonya is cold and it's rainging and it's time to end this. She said "everyone else's kid is cold too" I said "everyone else's children do not concern me now. Do what you want, but I'm taking my daughter home before she catches pneumonia" And that's exactly what we did! Sonya was crying and hates softball and doesn't want to play anymore. I was so pissed I could have screamed and pulled my hair out!
Now, I'm definitely a baseball mom. I've seen more than my share of baseball and playing in the rain and losing games, etc, so it's not any of that. It was the totally unsportsman like behavior of all the coaches involved. I don't know what's going to happen now, but Darrell has called the town baseball commissioner (who is actually the bitchy coach from the other team) and we're working on a solution for Sonya. I'll keep you posted.
My diet isn't going spectacularly well this week. I can't seem to cut myself off at 1500 calories and people keep bringing sweets into the office. I wish the heck they'd quit it! I'm still trying though. I know I'm eating less than I was.
Heather had an honors banquet last night. She's graduating one week from tonight. When we got the invitation, she said it was because she was in the top 10% of her class. I was very excited and when I rushed to the banquet after work last night, I learned she wasn't in the top 10% (she missed it by about 3 or 4 kids) There are only 148 kids in her graduating class. Anyway, she won an award for one of her classes, but we didn't know which one. She could have won in Calculus, Physiology, English Lit - any number of the "hard" courses, but no, she won for Spanish II! She doesn't even know 5 words in Spanish. I have no idea and she said it's probably because she's the only one in the class that doesn't aggravate that heck out of the teacher - Oh, goody - my daughter is the least aggravating student in Spanish II and she has the medal to prove it! I know, I know, it's great that she was recognized, but I have to admit I was a little disappointed. Also, her tuition is paid in full for college, because I work for a university. The Rotary Club gave away 8 - $500 scholarships last night. Guess how many applicants they had? 8! Every person that applied got a $500 scholarship, but she didn't apply! I guess she figures why bother since her tuition is paid - we still have a buttload of money to pay out for housing, food, books, etc - but I guess she thought someone else needed it more:) Ahhh! Parenthood - will I ever survive?
I stopped for Orajel for her mouth and by the time I got back to the field, her team had already batted and were in the outfield. These are 9 year olds playing fast-pitch softball (that means you have to wind your arm around in a circle and throw it really hard). The pitcher was not throwing very many strikes so every girl just went up there and stood with the bat and waited for 4 balls so she could walk. No one was even trying to swing. Well, the score got to be about 25 to 2 just by walking and I went over and asked the coach if she had any other players, because I could tell Sonya wasn't feeling well. She said one other one, but I'll switch them out when they come infield. Another few minutes went by and the score is now about 35 to 2 - I ask the umpire "Can we call this game? It's starting to rain harder?" He asked the coach from the other team if she wanted to continue the game and she said "yeah, we can play in this". I was pissed! That ignorant B****! Of course her girls were cold and miserable too, but it was more important to her to pound our team into the ground I guess. To top it all off, they were even stealing every base, every time our pitcher would throw a wild pitch (which was about every other ball). I waited a couple more minutes and finally I went over to the dugout and told our coach that she was going to have to call a time out and get Sonya out of there. She was sick, cold and miserable and this was ridiculous. I said I don't care if you forfeit - the score is 40 to 2 anyway and we only have one out. We'll never catch up and these girls are not having any fun! Another mother walked over and agreed with me. The umpire asked the coach of th other team if she wanted to call the game and she said "if they want to forfeit, there's nothing I can do about it" So I said - we forfeit - let's go! So all the girls ran off the field and Sonya and I left.
A woman (definitely not a lady) who was helping coach told our coach, "if you do this - I Will NEVER step foot on this field again. This is crap! What are we teaching our kids?" I said, Sonya is cold and it's rainging and it's time to end this. She said "everyone else's kid is cold too" I said "everyone else's children do not concern me now. Do what you want, but I'm taking my daughter home before she catches pneumonia" And that's exactly what we did! Sonya was crying and hates softball and doesn't want to play anymore. I was so pissed I could have screamed and pulled my hair out!
Now, I'm definitely a baseball mom. I've seen more than my share of baseball and playing in the rain and losing games, etc, so it's not any of that. It was the totally unsportsman like behavior of all the coaches involved. I don't know what's going to happen now, but Darrell has called the town baseball commissioner (who is actually the bitchy coach from the other team) and we're working on a solution for Sonya. I'll keep you posted.
My diet isn't going spectacularly well this week. I can't seem to cut myself off at 1500 calories and people keep bringing sweets into the office. I wish the heck they'd quit it! I'm still trying though. I know I'm eating less than I was.
Heather had an honors banquet last night. She's graduating one week from tonight. When we got the invitation, she said it was because she was in the top 10% of her class. I was very excited and when I rushed to the banquet after work last night, I learned she wasn't in the top 10% (she missed it by about 3 or 4 kids) There are only 148 kids in her graduating class. Anyway, she won an award for one of her classes, but we didn't know which one. She could have won in Calculus, Physiology, English Lit - any number of the "hard" courses, but no, she won for Spanish II! She doesn't even know 5 words in Spanish. I have no idea and she said it's probably because she's the only one in the class that doesn't aggravate that heck out of the teacher - Oh, goody - my daughter is the least aggravating student in Spanish II and she has the medal to prove it! I know, I know, it's great that she was recognized, but I have to admit I was a little disappointed. Also, her tuition is paid in full for college, because I work for a university. The Rotary Club gave away 8 - $500 scholarships last night. Guess how many applicants they had? 8! Every person that applied got a $500 scholarship, but she didn't apply! I guess she figures why bother since her tuition is paid - we still have a buttload of money to pay out for housing, food, books, etc - but I guess she thought someone else needed it more:) Ahhh! Parenthood - will I ever survive?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Hooray for me!
I don't have much time because I'm not at work:) but just wanted to let everyone know that the diet is paying off. I was weighed today and I lost 8 pounds in a week! The doc was there and said not to be discouraged if it didn't happen like that again. It was a fluke since it was my first week and now I should lose only 2-3 pounds per week, but I don't care, I'll take what I can get. I'm so happy & I'm going for a walk!!!!
Friday, May 2, 2008
A little worried
Darrell finally went to the doctor about a month ago and started taking W ell bu trin. I think that's the reason we have been getting along so well. He doesn't seem to get irritated as quickly as before and we haven't had any real arguments since he started taking it.
Well, he went back to the doc today because he still isn't feeling right and he says he has no energy, is groggy all the time, cannot sleep (must take Am bi en to fall asleep) cannot focus when working on college classes he's taking and all around doesn't care for his life anymore. These are the same symptoms he told the doc about before and he ordered blood tests and put him on the W. Today he started him on a pill like A dd er all - it's an amphetamine - I'm worried that this is going to make him more aggitated and edgy and when I told him so - he jumped down my throat and said that the other stuff was making him feel less worried but that it wasn't good to not worry about stuff! What? No clue what he meant. Sort of a jab at me because I try not to let things I can't control bother me. I fall right to sleep at night from pure exhaustion, but I don't really worry about bills and stuff. We do OK and we're not in financial strain - but he's self employed so I can see that he might get worried if he doesn't have jobs coming in. Also, I tend to be an optimist and think nothing bad will happen and he's totally opposite.
Also, he was told his cholesterol is 250 - I think that's pretty bad, but he didn't give him any medicine for it and he said his B12 is dangerously low and gave him a pill for that. The doc was really worried about the B12 defiency so I'm gonna look it up now to see if there are certain foods he should eat more of. Problem is, he's a red meat and potatoes guy. He will eat corn and a few green beans on occassion, but only if they have bacon grease on them. No idea how we're gonna bring that down. I just got off the phone and told him he really needed to make a decision - if he wanted to continue living like a child and eating like one or if he wanted to live period. He's 40 now and hasn't tasted some vegetables probably since he was 8 or 9 so I think it's time to run the gammut and see if we can find some healthier foods he can enjoy while they help lower his cholesterol.
Well, he went back to the doc today because he still isn't feeling right and he says he has no energy, is groggy all the time, cannot sleep (must take Am bi en to fall asleep) cannot focus when working on college classes he's taking and all around doesn't care for his life anymore. These are the same symptoms he told the doc about before and he ordered blood tests and put him on the W. Today he started him on a pill like A dd er all - it's an amphetamine - I'm worried that this is going to make him more aggitated and edgy and when I told him so - he jumped down my throat and said that the other stuff was making him feel less worried but that it wasn't good to not worry about stuff! What? No clue what he meant. Sort of a jab at me because I try not to let things I can't control bother me. I fall right to sleep at night from pure exhaustion, but I don't really worry about bills and stuff. We do OK and we're not in financial strain - but he's self employed so I can see that he might get worried if he doesn't have jobs coming in. Also, I tend to be an optimist and think nothing bad will happen and he's totally opposite.
Also, he was told his cholesterol is 250 - I think that's pretty bad, but he didn't give him any medicine for it and he said his B12 is dangerously low and gave him a pill for that. The doc was really worried about the B12 defiency so I'm gonna look it up now to see if there are certain foods he should eat more of. Problem is, he's a red meat and potatoes guy. He will eat corn and a few green beans on occassion, but only if they have bacon grease on them. No idea how we're gonna bring that down. I just got off the phone and told him he really needed to make a decision - if he wanted to continue living like a child and eating like one or if he wanted to live period. He's 40 now and hasn't tasted some vegetables probably since he was 8 or 9 so I think it's time to run the gammut and see if we can find some healthier foods he can enjoy while they help lower his cholesterol.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Dieting, New Cars and American Idol
OK, the dieting is going OK, it's not as hard as I thought as long as I'm prepared with food to eat, so I'm not going into the cafeteria at work or the vending machine in the afternoon or stopping at fast food on my way home. I think I can do this if I can keep myself organized and prepared.
I did hit a little bump last night though. We bought a new car, it's ugly I think, but the gas was just killing us in my other car and I drive a very long way to work. It's a 2007 Ford Focus Hatchback, it looks like an egg on wheels but we got a really, really good deal and it's brand new and fully loaded. We saved like $6000 in rebates and the Friends & Family plan since my B-I-L worked there. I don't like how it looks, but it was fun to drive this morning and the stereo jams!!!
Anywho, I was waiting for Darrell to get home from playing softball (he drove the new car) so I could see it (he picked it up from the dealer.) And suddenly, I was starving. It was like 11:30pm and I ended up ravaging the kitchen and ate about 300 calories more than I should have. I even dipped my finger in the peanut butter jar!!!!! I'm sad - I fell off the wagon, but I'm right back on and the scale says it didn't hurt much (wait til tomorrow).
Here's my American Idol update. This started out as a comment to Princess Slea's post, but it got so long I decided to put it here on my own blog. So, if you go to her blog, don't read my comment or it will be redundant:)
I heart David Cook. He's my fav, but I sorta hope he doesn't win because I think he'll be better off if he doesn't like Chris Daughtry.
I agree with Princess Slea. I thought Jason could have done a better job at "Forever in Blue Jeans" but that's just him. I wonder if he secretly wants to go home? I don't know what they're singing next week, but I was thinking, it'd be really cool if Jason sung "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band.
I cannot stand Brooke and I did a little dance of joy when she was booted off. I don't know why, I just don't like her. I think she's sort of cocky to Simon and I just don't like her attitude.
David A is good, we all know that, but I'm not sure pop is the correct genre for him. He needs to do the Broadway stuff and he always looks scared, like his dad's gonna whip him or something if he doesn't do a good job.
I thought Syesha did a great job on her second song and I really thought her hair looked pretty like that, but either she or Jason will probably be next.
One other thing - wtf is up with Paula? She is on some serious painkillers or she's drinking way more than one martini before the show. I almost feel sorry for her, like she's just a lost little butterfly. She's always standing up and dancing and I don't know just acting crazy. Wonder if she'll be back next year? Oh and wasn't it sweet that Simon's first crush called in, he seemed genuinely shocked and happy to hear from her.
Oh, and Michelle - send me all the tips you want about fiber or weight loss. I'll take whatever help I can get:)
I did hit a little bump last night though. We bought a new car, it's ugly I think, but the gas was just killing us in my other car and I drive a very long way to work. It's a 2007 Ford Focus Hatchback, it looks like an egg on wheels but we got a really, really good deal and it's brand new and fully loaded. We saved like $6000 in rebates and the Friends & Family plan since my B-I-L worked there. I don't like how it looks, but it was fun to drive this morning and the stereo jams!!!
Anywho, I was waiting for Darrell to get home from playing softball (he drove the new car) so I could see it (he picked it up from the dealer.) And suddenly, I was starving. It was like 11:30pm and I ended up ravaging the kitchen and ate about 300 calories more than I should have. I even dipped my finger in the peanut butter jar!!!!! I'm sad - I fell off the wagon, but I'm right back on and the scale says it didn't hurt much (wait til tomorrow).
Here's my American Idol update. This started out as a comment to Princess Slea's post, but it got so long I decided to put it here on my own blog. So, if you go to her blog, don't read my comment or it will be redundant:)
I heart David Cook. He's my fav, but I sorta hope he doesn't win because I think he'll be better off if he doesn't like Chris Daughtry.
I agree with Princess Slea. I thought Jason could have done a better job at "Forever in Blue Jeans" but that's just him. I wonder if he secretly wants to go home? I don't know what they're singing next week, but I was thinking, it'd be really cool if Jason sung "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band.
I cannot stand Brooke and I did a little dance of joy when she was booted off. I don't know why, I just don't like her. I think she's sort of cocky to Simon and I just don't like her attitude.
David A is good, we all know that, but I'm not sure pop is the correct genre for him. He needs to do the Broadway stuff and he always looks scared, like his dad's gonna whip him or something if he doesn't do a good job.
I thought Syesha did a great job on her second song and I really thought her hair looked pretty like that, but either she or Jason will probably be next.
One other thing - wtf is up with Paula? She is on some serious painkillers or she's drinking way more than one martini before the show. I almost feel sorry for her, like she's just a lost little butterfly. She's always standing up and dancing and I don't know just acting crazy. Wonder if she'll be back next year? Oh and wasn't it sweet that Simon's first crush called in, he seemed genuinely shocked and happy to hear from her.
Oh, and Michelle - send me all the tips you want about fiber or weight loss. I'll take whatever help I can get:)
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