Friday, February 1, 2013

What Brought Me Back

As I said in my previous post, I stopped blogging (not that I was ever that good at it) when I figured out Facebook.  Then, I got turned on to Pinterest.  It was there that I found Mama Laughlin.  Like so many others, she has inspired me to do more about how I feel about myself.  Did you notice I said 'do more about how I feel about myself' and not 'do more about my weight problem?' - ok, just making sure.

I've struggled with my weight for years and if you ever go all the way back to the first time I started blogging in 2006 you'll probably see some evidence of that - oh, what I wouldn't do right now to be at the weight I was in 2006 - you know when I felt like I was morbidly obese.  I really don't have any idea what my weight was then (7 damned years ago!) but I can guaran-damn-tee you it wasn't 195 pounds!!!  And I'm sure I thought I was sickening and that's the highest my weight would ever be - boy was I wrong!

Lately, I've noticed a few things - and this was before Mama Laughlin - I don't really want to walk in front of people at an event - I used to love being the center of attention - to dress-up in heels - the whole get up.  You'd NEVER see me in a t-shirt and sweats.  Hell, I didn't even own t-shirts back then.  I hated sneakers - they made my feet hurt (I swear they did!)  Now, I get dressed for work in an office but I hardly ever wear heels - now they hurt my feet and I feel it's because my poor feet have to hold up my fat ass.  They're tired folks - they can only hold so much and I've been pushing them to their limit - so they push back.  When I started working here almost 12 years ago - I wore dresses ALL THE TIME - now I only wear dresses on very special occasions at work and NEVER at home!  I want to wear dresses and heels again!!!!

So, my youngest son is in high school and he plays basketball.  Of course, we go to most every game and I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have anxiety walking into the gym and up the bleachers.  I just know what people are thinking of me.  These people have known me for a long time.  My two older kids went to this school and I've been around these families for-eve-r!  I know they're thinking how much I've let myself go - maybe they're thinking I used to be cute - but good gawd what the hell happened!  I'm probably making myself out to be way worse than people truly see me but hey, that's what happens when you lose your self-confidence!  I've been taking the long way around the gym so I don't have to walk directly in front of too many people and sneaking in the side entrance and right up to where my hubby is usually waiting for me.

I am usually starving by the time I get to these games.  I have a 90 minute commute and that's a long damned time since lunch!  I almost always want popcorn but this year, I've been making my hubby go to the concession stand and get it for me.  I don't want people to see me walking in with it and think 'boy, she really needs that popcorn!'  Also, once I'm all the way up the bleachers, I'm kind of afraid I'll fall (I don't know if this feeling is a fat feeling or an old age feeling:)) but I never used to worry about it and used to walk up and down the bleachers in heels while talking to people behind me and probably doing somersaults!  Now it scares me - or does it???  Maybe, I've made myself think it scares me so I don't feel as guilty asking my hubby to go get my popcorn for me at half-time.  I'm not sure - I'm going to be on the lookout for more behaviors like this now that I've brought it to my own attention!

Also, I'm not as outgoing as I used to be and I'm usually happy now to be sitting in the background - pulling my shirt to make sure my rolls aren't too obvious when I used to be up going from table to table and talking to anyone that would listen.  I've lost myself - and I want me back!  I'm not nearly as confident as I used to be and I am way less willing to take on anything new (like look for a new job when this one gets me down!)  I'm in a rut and I want out!  Mama Laughlin helped me see this and I'm reading through her blog a little at a time because I am inspired to get most of my old self back along with a new bit of sass that I know is in there somewhere!