I had a great weekend!  I took a vacation day on Friday so I could attend parent teacher conferences and Colby's first baseball game and it was a gorgeous day!  So glad I took the day off.  I heard some pretty positive things about both of my kids, the Trojans won by a score of 10-nothin' and we got to spend time with Heather, Wesley & Nolan.  We went to Pepper's after the game because Boo's had a line out the door.  They had a buffet but after looking at it I decided to stick to my good eating habits and order the chicken breast.  It was actually pretty good.  I was afraid it would be dry but it was really juicy and seasoned well.  I had a salad, chicken, green beans (I'm sure they were full of bacon grease but oh so good!) and a few bites of big curd cottage cheese (not a fan!)  Darrell had rolls with his open faced beef and my mouth was watering so when he didn't finish his second one, I asked for a bite and immediately spit it out - totally not worth the calories!

Saturday morning Sonya had a volleyball tournament in Arnold.  She spent all night with the team so I didn't have to be there at the ass crack of dawn but still made it by 10:30.  My nephew and his wife were there with their baby who is almost as big at 9 months as Nolan is at 1 year!  Geez!  He is a beast:)  Had a really good talk with them.  Wesley brought Nolan to me and he spent a few hours watching volleyball - except for the few minutes it took him to pee on me (damned cloth diapers) and to do a faceplant into the trophy case.  The tournament didn't go so well but we were finished by 1:00 so Sonya and I decided to run by Target (I had a $20 gift card.)  I wanted a new shirt to wear to the bowling alley but couldn't find anything.  Nolan wasn't a big help as he refused to stay in the cart!  Sonya and I got a few new unmentionables and we were on our way.

Stopped by Cato's while Sonya napped in the car and returned a few purchases from last week.  I found two new blouses (I knew I'd only keep one of them) and ran home to change before the Colorama at the bowling alley.  I have been looking forward to this all week, had been wanting a drink since Wednesday and knew I would most likely be staggering out of the bowling alley by the end of the night.  Here was my outfit for Saturday night.  Don't look at Sonya's room - it's a mess!

This is also my 180 pound picture!  I've officially lost 25 pounds and am starting to be more confident in the way I look and I think you can tell by the smile on my face!  (Unfortunately, my unhealthy habits of Saturday night found their way back to my hips because I was up 2 pounds today but I'm confident they'll be gone again by the end of the week!)

So I had quite a few beers that night and I originally wanted to go out dancing after bowling but by the time we left, I was in no shape to go anywhere but home!  I woke up at 8am to let the dog out, went back to bed, got up at 11am to eat a big ass bucket of Cookie Crisp, went back to bed where I rested my eyes and watching TV until Darrell forced me out of bed at 1pm!!!  Nothing really hurt but I was just soooo lazy.  I tried to make breakfast, burned the biscuits not once, but TWICE and then had to get ready for league bowling. 

Started off with a good game (for me) of 111, but then I don't know what in the hell happened and I ended up with a 74 or 76 for the 2nd game and a 107 for the 3rd game.  All in all, I got my average (93) for the night.  Home and made an early night of it.  Got some bad news from DJ but I'm still working that out in my head so will have to decide whether to share his issues later on:)

Shit ton of work and a new dress

Just left a meeting and figured out I have a shit ton of work to do and I don't even know where to begin so I've decided to update my blog instead.  In the past couple of years my job has shifted to more task oriented to project based.  I have several huge projects that I'm responsible for in the run of each year and I need something to keep me on track since I've always just done tasks associated with projects but I've not been responsible for the whole project like I am now.  Getting ready to start using Microsoft Project and wondering if anyone (this would be great if I had actual followers:)) used this and how it worked for them.

I wore a new dress to work today.  I bought it from Land's End on clearance a few months ago and it's kind of a jersey dress.  The top is kind of a faux wrap so I look like June Cleavage today - just need my pearl necklace....or not!!  It's a royalish blue and I am getting complimented every time I see someone - Yay! for me!  I don't know if it's the extra boobage I've got going on or that I'm walking with my head held a little higher these days.  Confidence really does attract attention.  Whatever it is, I'll take it.  

 Don't you just love when someone tells you "you look great today!"  - thanks, but I guess that means I looked like shit yesterday???  No, really.  I'll take whatever compliments I can get:)  They help keep me motivated!When I first started working here about twelve years ago, my wardrobe consisted mainly of dresses and skirts.  For the past five or so years, I've noticed I hardly ever wear anything but slacks now and that sucks.  I love dresses and skirts so I'm making it a point to re-introduce them to my stale wardrobe so hopefully that will help to keep the motivation going, too!

Weight Loss and Weekends

So over the past few years I've been letting myself go and not just my weight!! I've been sloppy about my clothes and my hair. Now part of this is because of my financial situation so it's not all because I'm a fat-ass but regardless, somehow I've become a middle aged (hmmm, I struggled with this word and didn't think it could be used to describe myself but I am almost 43 so if I live to be 86, that's middle aged!). Anywho, suddenly I'm a middle-aged frumpy woman!! I don't want to be that!!

Usually when I'm trying to lose weight, I'm looking for instant gratification. I hate, hate, hate that it takes so freaking long to lose weight!  In the past, I would have celebrated a 5 pound weight loss with a Blizzard from DQ.  That was before I saw this pin...

This time around I've decided to kind of start doing some things that make me feel good in the process to help keep me motivated!  I got a new haircut (which I really don't like but it's growing on me:), with a little color.  I bought a few new makeup products to help me look better - I absolutely love new mascara!  If I ever win the lottery, I will buy a new tube of mascara every week!  So, little things like a new bra (or in my case, big things like a new bra) can make you feel like a million bucks without adding to your hips!  

So, I can finally say I'm down 20 pounds.  I use the Lose It app and went to see when I started this latest diet and it only gives me calculations for 4 weeks, which sucks - but whatcha gonna do??  Anyway, I started tracking my food again on January 30, 2013 and I think a couple days before that is when I weighed in at a whopping 205!!!!!  My scale this morning said this...

That's 20 motha f'ing pounds, Sweet Pea!!!  Whoopee!!!  Now, to continue.....this isn't the first time I've lost 20 but it's the first time in a long time.  Here were my 205 pics.  I really don't want to do this.  I wish I would have taken some better ones - with more clothes but I didn't so here it is.  I promise you folks, it's not pretty but I had to start somewhere and I'm hoping to never ever see this again...

OK, that's done, now let's move along...

So, I've been so proud of myself and really using the app on my phone to help me make better choices.  I've been eating alot of eggs, almonds, bananas, Smart Ones (which I'd like to get away from) and if I MUST eat out, I've been using my app to help me decide what to eat.  It's amazing how many calories some things have in them.  Meals that I would have previously thought weren't too bad, when I check them out I'm like - no wonder I'm a fat ass!!!

Hubs has taken to bowling lately and we were at the bowling alley Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday - UGH!!  Not my ideal weekend but we did have a really good time and spent some quality time together.  I did get a lot of compliments from him on my appearance Friday and Saturday night and he's been extra attentive lately.  I honestly can't imagine my life without that man - he really has been my rock - the rock I'd like to bash against the side of a brick building some days but I absolutely know he will be by my side through whatever life throws my way.  I can't wait to see what the next phase of our lives is like, now that two of our kids are out on their own and we have two teenagers left in the house.  I'm hoping he mellows a little but when things with the kids get a little rough, I'm glad I can depend on him to be the strict one - if it was just me, I know they'd run wild!!!

Here's one more pic of me before heading out Saturday night.  I wanted to get one of the both of us together but after the beer started flowing I forgot all about taking pictures. 

What Brought Me Back

As I said in my previous post, I stopped blogging (not that I was ever that good at it) when I figured out Facebook.  Then, I got turned on to Pinterest.  It was there that I found Mama Laughlin.  Like so many others, she has inspired me to do more about how I feel about myself.  Did you notice I said 'do more about how I feel about myself' and not 'do more about my weight problem?' - ok, just making sure.

I've struggled with my weight for years and if you ever go all the way back to the first time I started blogging in 2006 you'll probably see some evidence of that - oh, what I wouldn't do right now to be at the weight I was in 2006 - you know when I felt like I was morbidly obese.  I really don't have any idea what my weight was then (7 damned years ago!) but I can guaran-damn-tee you it wasn't 195 pounds!!!  And I'm sure I thought I was sickening and that's the highest my weight would ever be - boy was I wrong!

Lately, I've noticed a few things - and this was before Mama Laughlin - I don't really want to walk in front of people at an event - I used to love being the center of attention - to dress-up in heels - the whole get up.  You'd NEVER see me in a t-shirt and sweats.  Hell, I didn't even own t-shirts back then.  I hated sneakers - they made my feet hurt (I swear they did!)  Now, I get dressed for work in an office but I hardly ever wear heels - now they hurt my feet and I feel it's because my poor feet have to hold up my fat ass.  They're tired folks - they can only hold so much and I've been pushing them to their limit - so they push back.  When I started working here almost 12 years ago - I wore dresses ALL THE TIME - now I only wear dresses on very special occasions at work and NEVER at home!  I want to wear dresses and heels again!!!!

So, my youngest son is in high school and he plays basketball.  Of course, we go to most every game and I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have anxiety walking into the gym and up the bleachers.  I just know what people are thinking of me.  These people have known me for a long time.  My two older kids went to this school and I've been around these families for-eve-r!  I know they're thinking how much I've let myself go - maybe they're thinking I used to be cute - but good gawd what the hell happened!  I'm probably making myself out to be way worse than people truly see me but hey, that's what happens when you lose your self-confidence!  I've been taking the long way around the gym so I don't have to walk directly in front of too many people and sneaking in the side entrance and right up to where my hubby is usually waiting for me.

I am usually starving by the time I get to these games.  I have a 90 minute commute and that's a long damned time since lunch!  I almost always want popcorn but this year, I've been making my hubby go to the concession stand and get it for me.  I don't want people to see me walking in with it and think 'boy, she really needs that popcorn!'  Also, once I'm all the way up the bleachers, I'm kind of afraid I'll fall (I don't know if this feeling is a fat feeling or an old age feeling:)) but I never used to worry about it and used to walk up and down the bleachers in heels while talking to people behind me and probably doing somersaults!  Now it scares me - or does it???  Maybe, I've made myself think it scares me so I don't feel as guilty asking my hubby to go get my popcorn for me at half-time.  I'm not sure - I'm going to be on the lookout for more behaviors like this now that I've brought it to my own attention!

Also, I'm not as outgoing as I used to be and I'm usually happy now to be sitting in the background - pulling my shirt to make sure my rolls aren't too obvious when I used to be up going from table to table and talking to anyone that would listen.  I've lost myself - and I want me back!  I'm not nearly as confident as I used to be and I am way less willing to take on anything new (like look for a new job when this one gets me down!)  I'm in a rut and I want out!  Mama Laughlin helped me see this and I'm reading through her blog a little at a time because I am inspired to get most of my old self back along with a new bit of sass that I know is in there somewhere!

I'm bbaaaaaaaccccckkkkk! - What it's only been a year?

OMG! It's been a year since I posted on this blog! Idk what is wrong with me. I used to love to do this but when Facebook took hold, it took over my life for awhile. I don't even care if anyone reads this blog, I need a place to keep my thoughts straight. I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year but now that it's the end of the first month of the year I'm thinking maybe I should set some goals for myself.

I saw this on Pinterest the other night and it really got me thinking of declaring my goals first so I could realize my dreams (gotta figure out what those are) and secondly, I've been thinking it is a good idea to have sort of a bucket list for 2013. If I actually publish a list of things I'd like to accomplish in 2013 perhaps I will actually do at least one of them. Then I can say "Look what I did in 2013!" How exciting will that be? I know - probably not that exciting for anyone that might read this blog but pretty damned exciting for me! So here goes - these are the things I'd like to accomplish this year (and I reserve the right to revise this list at any time...
1) Get healthy - I weigh 195 pounds (man that was hard to type) right now and my goal is to weigh 140 which is what the surgeon general says is a healthy weight:)

2) Begin a masters degree program (I think I want a Master in Public Health but I will reserve that judgment until I've researched a little further.)

3) Go camping in our camper that has been sitting at our house for a year now not being used.

4) Go on an extended trip with my husband that does not involved him playing softball (and by extended, I mean longer than leaving Friday night and coming home Sunday afternoon.)

5) Do at least 5 DIY projects from my Pinterest board I'm not going to put anything about being a better wife, mother, etc because I am already awesome at those things (what can I say, you caught me on a good day - I'm sure you'll hear more about my shortcomings later:))

So this is it for now, it's all I can think of off the top of my head but I fully plan to edit as I see fit, hopefully, by just adding things and not taking anything off.

OK, according to the quote, I wrote the dreams down with a date so that makes them goals now. The next thing I need to do is add the steps necessary to make the goals happen and my dreams come true - UGH~! If only it were that easy. I'm gonna give it a shot though so wish me luck.