I am mildly depressed. I need to take medicine. I've come to terms with that, but I just call it my mood enhancer! I always have said, I can't tell when I'm taking it (because it doesn't really affect me) but I can sure as hell tell when I don't - and so can everyone else around me.
I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel I don't need it anymore then suddenly I'm like "Shit, I better start my meds again before I black out on everyone in my family!" I often stop my Celexa and recently my doc put me on Prozac, but I haven't begun it yet and I've stopped with the Celexa and I was feeling pretty good. Then, my performance eval at work was coming up and I've had a couple of run-ins with my boss recently, so I was more than a little anxious about it, so I took two celexa on Tuesday and Wednesday. I got a raving review, my boss was more than thrilled with my performance this year and I was ecstatic!
Then last night I was at my daughter's baccalaureate and they were all in their caps & gowns and they were playing Pomp and Circumstance - it was very emotional...FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! All the parents were smiling and crying but NOT ME - I was just sitting there - happy go lucky! Like it was someone else's kid up there. You know, there's sometimes when you're crying a happy cry and it feels soooo good! But, I didn't feel it at all, not a thing - so I was a little disappointed that I didn't cry. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's why I stop the meds sometimes - because I don't FEEL my life! I know I take it so I don't feel my life, but I really want to FEEL my life, you know?
Ah well, what do ya do?
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4 comments:
Congratulations to your daughter!
I bet that would seem kind of weird, if under normal circumstances you would have cried seeing her in her cap and gown. But then again, you don't want to go through life on edge and feeling down either if you can help it. Yep, it's a damned if you do or damned if you don't kind of situation, so you just gotta chose which one of you, you like the best.
Close to home for me. Me, though, I prefered the me on meds because the me off the meds gets very angry and hostile; to the pont to where I feel like my head is going to explode and I am unable to contol my treating others as well as myself badly.
Congratualtions on the graduation, it's a whole new ball game now, hon, a whole new ball game. you're in my prayers.
People should read this.
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